


Closer than I've ever been

by suyari



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Spoilers for Eddie Begins, buddie, post 3x15, references to drowning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23766946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suyari/pseuds/suyari
Summary: “I love you, Buck.”Buck smiles softly. “I love you too, Eddie.”Frustration rallies and Eddie shifts, pushing himself up until they’re level with one another again. “No,” he says firmly. “You don’t understand. I said Iloveyou, Buck.”Buck’s smile widens, his eyes going soft and fond. “Eddie…” he says, warmth filling his voice. “I know.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 17
Kudos: 689





	Closer than I've ever been

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I am _still_ not over that episode. I don't think I will _ever_ be over that episode. I had to take a quick break from longer works to keyboard smash some feelings. 
> 
> Don't read if you haven't seen **Eddie Begins**. No, seriously. Go watch it. It's a literal gift.

After Afghanistan, it had taken Eddie _weeks_ to get back into anything resembling normal. If he were being completely honest - even if just with himself - he hadn’t _actually_ begun to feel normal until the 118 and Buck. He chances a glance beside him, where Buck is crammed up against him on the couch, laughing at something on t.v. So much has happened in so short a time...new home, new school, new job, new life...Shannon...Her return and her death. The funeral. His family. Almost losing Buck. Not once. Not twice. But on three separate occasions. The tsunami, the lawsuit, the fighting...Now this. 

It isn’t as if he’s never almost died before. He’s been more afraid in his life than when he’d thought he was drowning alone fifty feet below the surface, so far from everyone he loved. Everything that mattered. And in those moments when he felt the world fading, when his mind began to reel, his world closing in on his happiest memories, the comfort of the final moments...He hadn’t thought about it when he’d made it out of the well. Hadn’t thought about it when he climbed the hill and staggered into the group of people preparing to search for him, to bring him home regardless of the state of him. Hadn’t thought of it in the days to follow. Remained focused and tried to live in the moment and enjoy life for the first time. 

But now he’s sitting on his couch, Christopher asleep in his lap, Buck pressed against his side and it’s all he can think about. The only thing he can see. The longer he remains silent, the more everything inside of him begins to scream and claw in rebellion. It feels like slowly going insane. Too much like dying for comfort. 

Buck sits up in surprise as he turns off the television. His eyes fill with concern and yet are somehow lit with understanding, as if he’s been waiting for this moment to arrive. A moment Eddie’s been putting off for far too long. “Buck…” His voice is raspier than he expected. He swallows a few times and feels like he might suddenly start crying, which is ridiculous because he’s never felt safer in his life than with the people he values most pressed close. 

Buck’s fingers are gentle as they smooth through his hair, his thumb stroking back and forth hypnotically against Eddie’s temple. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t have to. Eddie knows he can tell Buck the truth. If there was ever anyone he could unburden his soul to, it was Buck. He also knows that this...this is so much more. It has the potential to change everything and he isn’t sure he’s willing to lose Buck so soon over something like this - not that he’s willing to lose Buck over anything, but he can’t control the other man’s reactions. He can keep it to himself longer, surely. Can buckle down and bear it, if for no other reason than to keep Buck this close forever and never, ever risk him leaving. Even as he thinks it, his mouth opens and says, “Buck...we need to talk.” 

“Do you want to put Christopher to bed first?” Buck responds softly. His brow furrows, his hands moving until he’s clasping Eddie’s face. His fingers smear wetness across Eddie’s cheeks he belatedly realizes is coming from his own eyes. 

Eddie closes them for a moment before reaching up, closing a hand about one of Buck’s own. His heart is aching and it hurts so much; the overwhelming sense of grief and heartbreak nearly choking him. One of Buck’s hands slides down, thumb smoothing over Eddie’s jaw and down over his throat, where he can’t seem to stop swallowing. 

“It’s okay, Eddie,” Buck murmurs, dragging him close. 

A sob escapes him and he buries his face in Buck’s neck. The arm about Christopher tightens, his other hand leaving Buck’s to clutch at him. 

Buck’s arms go about him, his hands smoothing over Eddie in long, soothing motions. He murmurs softly, and every so often presses a kiss to some part of Eddie that just elicits another helpless sob. 

“Let it out....” is whispered against his skin. “I’ve got you, Eddie. I’ve got you…”

When he feels raw and hollow, but still somewhat drunk with exhaustion, Eddie pulls away and looks up to find Buck’s eyes are red. Buck closes them as he reaches up, trails his fingers over the damp lashes, drags a thumb across Buck’s lower lip, which he’s clearly been biting to stifle his own cries. 

“When I was down there...When I was…when I was drowning…” 

Buck lets out a sob, his eyes squeezing shut against the words. 

“Buck…” 

It takes a moment, but eventually Buck looks down at him. Eddie’s sure they both look horrible, but he has Buck’s eyes now and he can’t, won’t look away. 

“All I could think about was Christopher-”

“Of course, Eddie,” Buck interrupts. 

Eddie continues, talking over him, “And **_you_**.” 

Buck is silent, staring back at him. 

“All I could think about, when I thought I was dying, was _us_ , Buck. Our family. You and me and Christopher.”

“Eddie…”

“I love you, Buck.” 

Buck smiles softly. “I love you too, Eddie.” 

Frustration rallies and Eddie shifts, pushing himself up until they’re level with one another again. “No,” he says firmly. “You don’t understand. I said I _love_ you, Buck.” 

Buck’s smile widens, his eyes going soft and fond. “Eddie…” he says, warmth filling his voice. “I know.” He leans forward, lays his brow to Eddie’s, his lashes so close they brush Eddie’s cheeks as he blinks. “I love you too.” 

The moment stretches on as they breathe in one another. Then Buck tilts his head and Eddie leans forward and it’s the most natural thing in the world when their lips meet. The moment their lips pull back, they’re crashing back into one another. A soft, tender moment turning wild like the strike of a matchstick.

Their hands roam one another’s skin, gripping each other as they try to draw one another impossibly closer. Buck’s lips part in a breathless gasp; Eddie’s tongue slips past and his blood crackles with electricity at the first return touch of Buck’s own. 

Buck pulls away first, he does it with so much reluctance, his arms are trembling. “Eddie…” he husks, eyes glazed over and mouth kiss swollen, parted slightly as he sucks in a few breaths, nearly panting. 

Eddie’s hands fist in Buck’s shirt and hair and try to drag him close again, but he resists. 

The only word that makes it through the haze of want is, “...bed.” Eddie can feel his blood on fire and drags Buck back into his embrace so he can nip at his lip. “Yeah,” he tells him. “We should _definitely_ take this to bed.” 

Buck laughs, it’s breathless and full of joy and kind of makes Eddie’s heart ache again. “Christopher,” he corrects. “We should probably put _Christopher_ to bed.” 

Eddie feels as though Buck’s comment should have probably been as effective as a splash of cold water on his desire, but he’s far too in tune with his feelings now. Knowing Buck is still prioritizing Chris, even in this moment, well...Eddie doesn’t really want to look too closely at what that does to him, but he _is_ certain it’s not likely the normal response to something like that. 

“Yeah,” he replies, kissing Buck one last time, long and sweet, lips pulling. Buck sighs against his mouth, eyelashes fluttering when he pulls away and Eddie feels satisfaction thrum deep within him at the sight of him. He pushes himself to stand, scooping Christopher up before reaching for Buck. “Let’s get him tucked in,” he says, with a gentle but insistent tug that draws Buck effortlessly from his seat. “Then _we_ can head to bed.” 

Buck blinks at him. His skin is flushed red and Eddie can’t wait to get his clothes off and follow the color all over the expanse of him. Then he smiles, head tilting until he’s looking up at Eddie from beneath his lashes. “Yeah,” he agrees, voice rough. “Let’s do that.” 

Eddie can’t help the smile that he can feel lighting him up from the inside. The smile that he knows is Buck’s alone. How he’d never noticed before will be a mystery to solve over the rest of his life. 

He turns toward Christopher’s bedroom. Buck follows, turning off lights and putting things away. It’s so domestic, it makes him dizzy. As soon as Christopher is safely in bed, once they’ve both kissed him goodnight and tucked him in securely, he can feel Buck back down. Eddie reaches for him, takes in his shy regard. 

“Eddie, I-” 

He strokes his cheek, the want in his blood still present, but the urgency gone. “We don’t have to do anything. Just...stay. Please.” 

Buck smiles at him, lets him lead him by the hand from Christopher’s room. Is pliant as Eddie closes the door to his own and presses Buck against it to kiss him again. “Be with me,” he murmurs. “I can’t go back to what we had. I don’t want to.” 

He looks down in confusion as Buck’s hands begin to undo his belt. “Buck, I…” Buck leans in and bites his neck. “We don’t have to…” 

“I know. And I appreciate that. But, I want you Eddie. And I _think_ you want me too.” 

“I do. I want you so much, Evan.” 

Buck laughs and presses close again. “Let’s test the insulation, hmm?” 

“Dios,” he gasps as Buck’s hand strokes over him.

Buck backs him up until he collapses on the bed then climbs over him. “I’ve waited for this so long, Eddie…” 

“I’m here, Evan. I’m with you.” 

Buck shudders. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he tells him, smoothing his hands over Buck’s chest. “I’m never going anywhere you can’t follow.” 

Buck’s eyes are wet when they open again. 

“So...you better get comfortable. Because I’m going to make love to you. I’m going to hold you in my arms when you fall asleep. I’m going to kiss you awake in the morning and make you breakfast…”

“Maybe I should make breakfast,” Buck teases. 

Eddie gives him a gentle swat against his ass. “And I’m going to do it again and again. For the rest of my life.” 

The shock on Buck’s face is endearing, really. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Buck. You’re stuck with me.” He tilts his head. “Think you can live with that?” 

Buck chokes on a wet laugh. “Yeah, Eds...Pretty sure that won’t be a problem.” 

“Good.” He knows it won’t be that easy. He and Buck are both far too damaged for anything to work so smoothly. But he hopes that what they have will be enough. That if they just carry on as they have been, the rest will all fall into place. Neither of them have ever really been believers in Happily Ever After. But, happily together forever? Yeah, he can live with that. “Now come here...I have promises to keep.”


End file.
